Today is your birthday so I thought it was about time that I wrote to you. Your mum and I are determined that today will not be defined by sadness but instead we are going to fill the house with family and friends and have a party for you. You were such a happy little boy and filled our lives with so much laughter and so many smiles that it would be wrong if we didn’t celebrate your birthday with fun and just a few of the people whose lives you touched – your beautiful big blue eyes drew so many people in and your beaming smile captured the hearts of everyone that had the pleasure to meet you.
I don’t want you to be thinking of me as being sad when I think of you Harry. Of course there are some days when the pain feels like too much to bear but those days are getting fewer now. I love to think of the happy times we had with you and laugh when I think about how much you hated my beard scratching your skin. I know that you keep an eye on me, your mum and your little sister and make sure that we are doing ok. It offers me some comfort when I think of you being at peace now and being able to watch over us and keep us smiling. I miss you so terribly every day but it is sometimes hard to explain what it is like so I have taken the liberty of paraphrasing a poem that I found that goes some way to explaining what every day is like for your mum and I:
“Every morning I wake up and put on a mask,
the mask makes everything seem all right. But they don’t know I cry at night, The nightmares just wont go away…. If only I knew it was your last day, for nearly a year I’ve felt this pain, the feeling just wont go away. Everyone thinks I’ve dealt with your death the best, but without this mask I’d be a mess”
I wish so much that you had been able to meet your little sister – you two would have been inseparable with your cheeky smiles and infectious giggles. We named her Maisie Harriet after you and whilst I am a little worried about that inevitable moment in the future when she asks about her middle name, I know that my heart will burst with pride when I tell her about how brave her big brother was through everything that got thrown at him.
Happy 2nd Birthday my beautiful son, my love for you grows stronger with each passing day. I am not articulate enough to be able to tell you how proud I am of you and how much I miss you. I only hope that I can make you proud as a father to your little sister and next year to your little brother too.